In tents around the world, warming seats flimsy enough to fit one fashionista, bags laden with sponsor products are eagerly waiting adoption. Which style guru will become their new owner? Which devilishly handsome grin will allow them to shine? As the scene is set, true fashion icons look contemptuously at these bags of wonder (all the while holding them protectively by their side). It’s not until they are far away from the judging eyes of others do they gleefully upturn their contents and dive into these treasure troves, repackaging what they don’t want, trying on everything they do, with childish abandon.   

If you've never had the pleasure of receiving a bag full of junk as reward for your patronage then I strongly suggest getting someone who knows someone, to put you on a list of some sort. The Mac fluorescent orange lipstick is so much more attractive when it’s free and let’s face it, you can dare to indulge in superfluous items such as cosmetic gold dust when the bill is on someone else (although the temptation to pawn it at the time was almost irresistible). But lipstick, nail polish and free jeans aside, there are times when goodie bag offerings can get a little personal.

Why, for example, would you hand me a goodie-bag with several miniature bottles of vodka, a ridiculously expensive tube of tummy-flattening cream and a tape measure? What are you trying to say?? Mm??? And the anti-cellulite lotion? After the fourth bottle, I began to get a complex and thought by popular consensus I should give it a go. The most unusual gifts however, have come in the form of a Brazilian bikini wax and several rolls of toilet paper.

The toilet paper has been my most puzzling item to date having found it in my hotel room after attending a day of fashion shows. Normally I return to hundreds of dollars worth of jewellery, art work, even chocolate but this was a first. Never before had I been offered toilet tissue. At first the black, shiny-finish of the cylinder container proudly displayed on my writing table, looking promisingly like a bottle of wine. ‘Yippee,’ I thought. Upon opening it however, I found rolls of black, pink and blue toilet paper. Could it be left by house keeping? I pondered. I looked at the sad one-ply industrial tissue left in my bathroom – definitely not. I longed to call my friends and ask them if they too had received a gift of toilet tissue however, explaining that in my limited Italian at 1am was only going to create more confusion. As it turns out we all received this little goodie and although it may not have been the most glamourous gift, be damned if I didn’t take it with me!

As for the Brazilian well, talk about getting personal! You people don’t even know my last name and you want to do what?? Is there nothing sacred?? But seriously, toilet paper and waxing aside, the perfect goodie bag would obviously come with a cheque made out to my landlord and possibly a selection of food stamps. Keep your jars of cream, your anti-nausea spray (yes I have received one of those) and pay my rent damn it!

Till then, be thoughtful but not too involved in me or my body. 

Goodie Bag Etiquette

The more blasé you are the better. Important people don’t make a scene they create one.

Only in the comfort of your own home (or inside the roomy interior of a sound proof taxi) should you reveal your excitement about receiving free goods.

Never diss the contents of your goodie bag, the PR rep is probably behind you.

Repackaging is ok, (share the love I say) - selling your unwanted items is not.

Always be polite, you didn’t pay to be here, you didn’t pay for your purchases so be a courteous guest and bitch in the comfort of your own home.



The Five Goodie Bag Commandments

1. Thou Shalt Not Peek – Resist the temptation to see what’s inside your goodie bag, it makes you look desperate.

2. Thou Shalt Not Covet – If there is no goodie bag on your seat, you’re not important enough. Use this information as motivation to become goodie-bag-worthy (everyone needs a goal).

3. Thou Shalt Not Steal – Don’t take a bag for a friend. If you’re not at the event you don’t get the goods.

4. Thou Shalt Rejoice – Always celebrate the multitudes of superfluous items before you.

5. Thou Shall Not Idolise False Gods – Just because it’s free doesn’t make it good.



Goodie Bags – The Good, the Bad and the Plain Rude!

The Good: Trelise Cooper silver necklace, Jane Iredale 24-carat gold dust, Kasil Jeans, Havianas and, of course, any form of alcohol.

The Bad: Discount vouchers to blast away your damaged skin and/or wrinkles, razors and toilet paper.

The Plain Rude: Anything suggesting an offensive appearance; tape measure, tummy-flattening cream, pamper packs for dry, fly-away hair and Brazilian Bikini Waxes. 


Good = alcohol. You can never have too much alcohol
Bad = razors. I can buy them myself!
Ugly = Brazilian Bikini Wax Coupons. Imagining the guy next to me up on the plastic coated table is too much first thing in the morning.

Good= Jane Iredale 24-carat gold dust. I can always pawn it at a pinch
Bad = Toilet Paper. I can’t drink toilet paper!
Ugly = Tape measure. The insinuation is not lost.