Valentine’s schmalentine’s.

You’re a nice man (or, at least that’s what your mother tells you), you have a good job, earn a respectable wage; you know how to separate your colours and, dammit, you know that blue and green should not be seen without something in between. But still… you’re alone. On this day of all days. Alone to dwell on your long list of now-over relationships.

But before you go home to slash your wrists and climb into a warm bath, take heart – Ben Karlin says: you are not alone. Yes, relationships end, but Karlin – Emmy-Award Winning TV Producer and all-round nice guy – firmly believes that even the most callow of men should learn something from their demise. To prove his point, he’s put it all in his book, Things I’ve Learned From Women Who’ve Dumped Me (Grand Central Publishing).

This book has lessons, not chapters. This is not a touchy-feely self-help book (Savvy knows this for sure because it says so on the dust jacket). Instead, it’s jam-packed full of often painful, always poignant tales from men who you would think no woman in her right mind (or, taking the right medication) would dump.

With chapters like ‘Sex Is The Most Stressful Thing In The History Of The Universe’; ‘The Heart Is A Choking Hazard’, and ‘Persistence Is For Suckers’ this book also makes for the perfect present for the recently dumped.

Savvy’s personal favourites include: ‘Dating A Stripper Is A Recipe For Perspective’, ‘Get Dumped Before It Matters’ and Karlin’s own ‘You Too Will Get Crushed’ – astute advice for all concerned. Each is written in a way that not only restores faith in the medium of book (long live the written word!); by that there is still some hope yet for you (several of these writers are now married).

As Todd Hanson says in his lesson, ‘Things More Majestic and Terrible Than You Could Ever Imagine’:

“We are told the healthiest was to think about life’s seemingly near-continual parade of tragedy, pain, and humiliation is to view each of these defeats as a learning experience – ‘Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger,’ as the saying goes. Technically, that’s not true – multiple sclerosis, an inoperable disability, or a nonfatal debilitating injury that results in permanent brain damage are just a few of the examples I could name – but let’s just pretend it’s true for the sake of this argument.”

But perhaps more heartening is the following words from Jason Nash, taken from his lesson, ‘Don’t Enter A Karaoke Contest Near Smith College; You Will Lose To Lesbians’:

“When a man starts getting fine pussy, there’s a boost to his ego unrivalled by anything else in life.”

Heartening, that is, if you ignore the fact that he loses said pussy (for watching too much television, nonetheless).

David Rees, a man who claims to have never been dumped, lives in perpetual fear of its inevitability, offers a good reason as to why you’re better off at your table for one:

“You know those dummies with the black and yellow pie charts on their foreheads who are always smashing into windshields in slow motion? And in the slowed-down instant before impact, you can almost hear them, in their mannequin drones, ‘Oh, I get it – I should have worn my seat belt?’ I’m one of them, learning all these important lessons too late, in the melancholy split second before my head smashes through my marriage’s windshield and bloodies any hope I had of eternal bliss.”

When asked if this tome is for the good of all mankind, or instead it’s purely to provide a forum for him to work through his own issues, Karlin denies either motivation.

“Sadly, this book is only for the good of all chimpkind. That was a big mistake. Making chimpanzees the primary target audience, since, as of our most recent studies, they cannot read anything but Janet Evanovich books.”

Yes, the romantic mishaps within these pages should be committed to memory and held close to your own heart (no matter how many pieces it’s in, or unless, of course, you are a chimp).

In the interests of journalistic integrity, and to prove his point, Karlin invited many others to the table. How he managed to convince these writers to expose themselves at their most vulnerable (often literally as well as figuratively) to the general reading public is an issue for another article altogether.

Between the cover you’ll find words of wisdom from an impressive list of names. Names like Stephan Colbert, Nick Hornby, Andy Ritcher, Patton Oswalt, and Bob Kerrey. Karlin insists each of whom were willing participants.

“There wasn’t really a lot of convincing. Most comedy writers use rejection as fuel for 99% of their material to begin with. I was just asking them to be specific. It also didn’t hurt, that most of the writers owed me favours from back in the day when I was a steroids distributor and they major league baseball players.”

Following the dedication, ‘This one’s for the ladies’, Karlin offers readers this American folk saying: time heals some wounds.

You will laugh, you will cry, and possibly need another drink, as you read of how Rodney Rothem discovers the girl who broke his heart can barely remember him; Dan Savage play the ‘straight guy’, and Bob Odenkirk tell you that nine years is the exact right amount of time to be in a bad relationship.

But enough of this – you need help, and you need it now. If anyone is to have a good Valentine’s Day story, it’s Ben Karlin after such a thoroughly researched book – let his sage words console you:

“First of all, I appreciate the supposition that I did ‘research’ for this book. Of the vast studies I conducted, the worst Valentine’s Day story I heard had to do with a guy who sold his pocketwatch to buy hair combs for his wife for Valentine’s Day, while the wife cut her hair off and sold it to buy a chain for her husband’s pocketwatch. As a result of the mix-up, they got divorced.”

Happy Valentine’s.